I need some last minute proof reading on one of my college application essays?
Why do you want to attend Whitworth College?
I have always been told that when it comes to making big decisions such as choosing a college to attend, one must trust their intuition. When I visited Whitworth during a spring break trip, I did just that. It was a gut feeling. I felt from the moment that I first stepped onto the Whitworth campus that this was the school that I wanted to attend. From that one visit, I have found that I would be very comfortable here accommodating to the campus life. I enjoyed the dorms, the friendly people, and the surroundings. Whitworth College provides that open environment that I will feel comfortable living and learning in.
Going on the college visit trip, however, was not the first time I had heard of Whitworth. There were college presentations that I had attended before, and even then I was convinced that this school would be one of my top choices. Whitworth had many qualities that I look for in a school. It’s a small school, so it will be able to provide me with a more personal connection to the college and its faculty. The academics here are more challenging, and I always look for a challenge in that area. I have been told that Whitworth’s classes give out several writing assignments. Writing is an important skill that I had already planned on improving even before I had heard of Whitworth College. The fact that it’s a liberal arts college will also help me, as I am not quite sure what I want to major in at the moment. The location of the school is perfect for me; I have always lived in a big city, so to be near one that is just slightly smaller will be a big comfort to me.
I believe that Whitworth will provide me with the education and practice I need to achieve great things in my life. I have always been the type of person who wants to be a part of the community and do all I can to help but I’m never quite sure where or how to start. With the leadership-based skill teachings at Whitworth, I feel that it will finally be able to step out and do something to change the community for the better.
I can’t have my parents proofread it because they don’t know very good English…
Just wanted to add that the essay has to be 400 words or less…
April 28th, 2010 at 4:28 am
Talk to your parents about it
April 28th, 2010 at 5:06 am
It sounds pretty good.
You might add after, “I am not quite sure what I want to major in…” something like, “so I want to experience many different things before I decide.” That way it turns that into a plus instead of sounding like you don’t really have a plan at all.
The only grammar thing I saw was in this sentence:
have always been the type of person who wants to be a part of the community and do all I can to help but I’m never quite sure where or how to start.
put a comma before “but”
best of luck
April 28th, 2010 at 6:05 am
I think this is good, just change the word dorm to its full word so it seems like your not using slang and write in what you could do for the college, not just what it could do for you. Well done though!!!!
April 28th, 2010 at 6:38 am
“…accommodating to the campus life.”
I don’t understand what this means. Are you sure “accommodating” is the correct word?
April 28th, 2010 at 7:29 am
It sounds pretty good.
You might add after, “I am not quite sure what I want to major in…” something like, “so I want to experience many different things before I decide.” That way it turns that into a plus instead of sounding like you don’t really have a plan at all.
The only grammar thing I saw was in this sentence:
have always been the type of person who wants to be a part of the community and do all I can to help but I’m never quite sure where or how to start.
put a comma before “but”
best of luck
April 28th, 2010 at 8:18 am
I beleive that you need to expand your sentences to make them more complex. For your second paragraph I think that you should put this instead.
Going on the college visit trip, however, was not the first time I had heard of Whitworth. There were college presentations that I had attended before, and even then I was convinced that this school would be one of my top choices. Whitworth had many qualities that I look for in a school. It’s a small school, so it will be able to provide me with a more personal connection to the college and its faculty. The location of the school is perfect for me; I have always lived in a big city, so to be near one that is just slightly smaller will be a comfort to me.The academics here are more challenging, and I always love a challenge.. I have been told that Whitworth’s classes give out several writing assignments. Writing is an important skill that I had already planned on improving even before I had heard of Whitworth College. The fact that it’s a liberal arts college will also help me, as I am not quite sure what I want to major in at the moment.
So far all that you have focused on is the acedmics of the college. If that is the only reason why you are choosing this college then leave it, but if you are interested in sports or clubs then add it to your essay.