Every time we fight he throws a low blow and tells me to get a job and do something…..?
I have a 7 year old from a previous relationship, and a 1.5 yr old. Got married 2 years ago and have been together for about 6 years. I was 20 when I first started dating him and had a one year old. And he saw first hand how hard it was to work and juggle everything, At that time I was going to college, found a job too and was always stressed about finding and paying for childcare or babysitters or whatever. I have been since then, going to college on and off trying to finish my degree through all this and getting married and having another baby. And have been working for the same company since I met him. It is a seasonal job and in the last couple years when I am not working regularly I am trying to start my own small company, not really doing that well off the bat but trying and getting some freelance jobs. When we are getting along he says he loves what a great mom I am and that he doesnt care that Im not working right (all the time) now cuz hes making enough and he doesnt want to take care of the kids on his own. But whenever we get into a heated fight he just throws out – “get a job”, “if your so smart you should be making good money”, “you cant even find a job”, or anything along those lines. He did it tonight – and it just so happens that I did find a job, just to do through the winter in my off time from my other job, and cuz my husband’s company is slower in the winter…. and i was supposed to go in this morning to start the paperwork, he told me not to do it, and to just help him out (which I do already help him with his company – I made his website, post ads every week, find jobs, set up and manage his email…), he said also that he didnt want to not see me all weekend. So I blew it off, and called my seasonal boss and set up some extra work for the next week also ( Cause I do want to get out of the house too, I need a break from housework and babies).
So tonight he pushed a fight with me and then took the low blows and said all of the above, and when I said that i did find a job he says, “you cant get more than a minimal wage job.”( Which actually is was $12/hour which I would want more but took it thinking it was temporary until my other job started.) So that is completely false, I just dont know what to even say to it anymore, He just makes me hate him, he is so mean to me. I am so mad that I dont make as much as him so I can go out on my own. But I think that I have made some sacrifices after we got married and had another baby, I haven’t been able to do anything when all the while he just takes all the credit for working w/ no stress to him about childcare or anything.
What can I do. I hate him but cant go anywhere.
May 29th, 2010 at 6:05 am
Get counseling
May 29th, 2010 at 6:55 am
My ex used to do that too me too. When times were good then he didn’t care and was happy that I was at home with the babies and we were saving on daycare. Then when we would fight he would always comment about how I wasn’t working/didn’t have a job.
He was resentful of me for not working (never mind that I worked and went to school for a year when he stayed home and we didn’t even have kids!) and those times we fought were the times he was really telling the truth about how he felt.
I say the next time a job comes up don’t blow it off. He is probably worried that you’ll have more power in the relationship if you’re making more money. Don’t fall for his shit though. You gotta take care of you.
This guy sounds like a dick.
May 29th, 2010 at 7:07 am
Make your own money. Do you expect him to support you and your kids forever?
May 29th, 2010 at 8:02 am
Honestly, that sounds really miserable and unfairly balanced. He should never belittle you for your contributions. can see how that would break you down:( The best thing to do may well be to arrange the best childcare you can and just get as much work outside the house as possible, so you can spend sufficient enough time away from him to really think things through clearly.
May 29th, 2010 at 8:36 am
Hello,
Sounds like you’re quite capable of taking care of yourself and your children!
He needs to open his eyes and treat you with respect and acknowledge everything you do.
Some would consider his behavior as abusive.
Take care & good luck
May 29th, 2010 at 9:09 am
baby, i maybe a little younger than you i’m 24. i got married at the same age you did, i don’t have any kids but my husband was a kid enough. i couldn’t keep a job b/c he would get drunk and call my boss and threaten them. i began to pray and get closer to God, talked to people in the church and seperated from him. i am doing better without him. i did so much for my husband, if it weren’t for me, he would’nt be where he is, but you know what its time for you to do for you. you can do it, you have breath in your body and strenght in your bones. i will pray for you. my husband would do the same thing tell me that i was ugly and know one else would want me but him, and that i would only be someone mistress and never be anything b/c he would make sure of it. so just pray and ask God and he will give you the answer. take care of you.
May 29th, 2010 at 9:21 am
To Tony the Cucumber: DUH!
May 29th, 2010 at 10:01 am
I would add up how much it would cost to do all the things you have done for his company, and show it to him( doing work for his company is working), plus being a house wife is a full time job. How much would it cost him to pay some one to come in cook his meals for him, clean his house for him, and rise his kids the way only a mother can? I hate when I hear about men saying stuff like that. I am a SAHM also, and would go crazy on my husband if he said that to me!
May 29th, 2010 at 10:56 am
First off you should have known better to have gotten yourself settled before getting another baby involved and getting married to young, lesson learned, moving on, I had 2 babies (now 15 &16), worked at food town for $150 a week, had to use day care and babysitters (can find lists in local libraries) went to school 3x’s a week at night and ran around for 2 yrs like a chicken without a head. Single mom at that.
I got a new hubby but what we did was I worked at night 3-11:30 pm and he worked 5:30am till 4:30 pm and someone was home with the kids all the time, there is no excuse, you can help with working, you can get a part time job, stay at home moms is ancient, women are way better then that and you want a carrer, good your going to school but deal with it till you figure some thing out and stop wining about the crap you caused!
Stop wining and get a part time!
May 29th, 2010 at 11:21 am
You write: I hate him but cant go anywhere.
Then make it possible for you to go somewhere, if it becomes necessary. And it does sound like it will become necessary.
Are you in college now? How much to go before you finish that college degree? Make an effort to work on and complete that degree, even if you can only go to school part-time at present.
Find childcare. Does your college or university offer it to students? Some colleges do.
Do accept the $12 an hour job you were offered. It is a start. Save as much money as you can, in case this relationship ends . . . and you need the money for a fresh start. Working for hubby will not provide the references you need to seek full-time employment in the event of a divorce. You definitely need to be working for someone else, not hubby.
Good luck to you. Work, save, make your escape plan. Do you have friends and/or family who would be willing to assist you, in case you do need to leave?
Use reliable birth control. No more babies, until you are in a stable, happy relationship. This one does not sound stable or happy.
May 29th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Been there done that. You should go ahead and take that job that you were offered (so what it’s not a 50,000 a year job but at least you are making your own) and when your husband comes talking that mess about him not wanting you to work you should just tell him, I am going to work because when you get mad or we argue you seem to throw the fact that I am not working up in my face and explain to him that you are tired of it and how it makes you feel.
May 29th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Tell him to go bug off and learn to be a MAN. He wants not a wife, but a slave! He wants the benefits of a house wife and a breadwinner! He is a loser!
May 29th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
First off, I dont think you hate him, because if you hated him, then you would have been gone a long time ago. I think that you need to talk to him and let him know that taking care of a household along with two children isn’t all peaches and cream. Tell him that he diminishes your self-esteem when he says the things about you that he says. It’s nothing worse than to be made to feel incompetent by the man that you love.
May 29th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Do not allow this man to control you financially. Get a job somewhere else, don’t work for him. Something tells me you will need to leave him soon, so be as financially independent as you can. Stop having babies, too. You know this isn’t a healthy relationship.
May 29th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Sounds like you’re stuck for the time being. Do what I did and learn to love your situation. Put yourself into your kids and just pretend he’s not there. Move out into the living room and sleep on the couch or floor whatever…it’s not as bad as it sounds. He does not define you as a person and he does not control your happiness. You do. Learn to let what he says to you roll off your back. Tell him thanks for the advice but if you wanted to hear from an A-hole, you’d fart! Then tell him to get out of your face because you’re not going to waste minutes of your life bickering with him. Not worth it. Tell him to go into the bedroom, shut the door, and bicker with himself if that’s how he wants to spend his life. Worked for me. Good luck.